I learned something about myself yesterday. I am the hardest person to convince of my own self worth.
At work I’m always looking for approval, whether I’m aware of it or not. I’ll put up a salad or something and wait for something to be said about it. Something to confirm the negative thoughts I have about myself. Maybe the chicken isn’t cooked like it’s supposed to be, maybe I didn’t put enough dressing on that one salad, or maybe I put too much. The list of thoughts I torture myself with could go on.
Then when nothing gets said about it, or something good is said about it, I get this deer-in-the-headlights look on my face like I can’t believe it. This happens especially when I venture on to a part of the line that I’m not that familiar with. Like when I put up a sandwich, or a fish and chip. I do my best, but until told otherwise I’ve got the notion in my head that I did a horrible job.
Yesterday when I had the kitchen to myself I was terrified of messing something up. Of course, there is always someone nearby willing to help if I’m not sure how to do something, but I almost feel like the second I ask someone for help, I’m a let down. I don’t get that about myself. Clearly the management at my work has enough faith in me that they can leave me alone in the kitchen, I’m not sure why I can’t have a little more faith in myself.
I’m too used to being tough on myself, I think. I’m not sure what has to happen for me to be able to look at myself and see the worth that others do. I’m not sure what has to happen for me to realise that I’m better than good enough. Or maybe deep down I already know what everyone else knows.
Perhaps, I’m just one of thousands of people who struggle with their own self worth. I’m fighting a battle in my heart and in my mind. A battle between what I think of myself and what I know to be true.
“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” ~ Philippians 4:13