I Am Broken

I have wallowed in this mysterious self pity too long. I don’t know where all the doubt in myself and my writing has come from, but somehow it must end. I have lost count of the number of times I have sat down to write something only to press down on the backspace and watch my thoughts vanish into oblivion. As if I have considered what I have to say unworthy to be read. I don’t know why I would be so harsh with myself when all I have ever heard is good things.

I sit here thinking it may be more than just a lack of confidence in myself, or fear of failure. Something within me longs for more. There’s a brokeness within me that I can’t fix on my own. I’ve distanced myself from the One who inspires me. I wandered onto a path of my own choosing although I can’t for the life of me understand why. It has only brought me regrets.

I am ashamed to think of how many times I have shut God out of my life to go running back to Him when times get tough and I get desperate. It shames me to think that I may be an offense to the One who knit me together in my mother’s womb, the One who bestowed the gift of writing to me. I was never worthy of such a gift.

But here I am, knowing I’m nothing without Him. I can try to be happy. I can keep smiling and tell the world I’m okay, but I wouldn’t be, not if I kept shutting the door on my Father’s face like a rebellious child. The suffering in my spirit would fester like an open wound.

Just like I am unworthy of the gift of writing, I am unworthy of His profound love. I don’t deserve His grace, given so freely. I am unworthy of His pursuit of me, and in my unworthiness, I am humbled.

3 thoughts on “I Am Broken

  1. We rarely choose the path we walk on but take comfort in knowing you never walk alone. Whether it be with God or just a distant similarly broken soul like myself. I know all too well the feeling of self doubt and fear of failure and I understand the looming sense that the problem is much deeper. I post a lot on my blog but for every poem I post there are dozens in the trash bin or lost to the backspace key. In my opinion, that one post is worth the countless I have to trash to get there and I’m no expert in religion but to me it seems the same; for all the times faith is low and doubt is high are negated by that single moment of believing. Sorry for the long comment, your post really moved me. Keep writing, you’re great at it. πŸ™‚

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